Monday, July 18, 2011

Whoa (Also, HP Review :: Warning :: There are Spoilers, and Some Rage)

I know, you're all like "WHOA!" for two reasons: You've been in a state of WHOA since April 28, my last post, because you're so devastated that I've gone quiet. I've heard your cries, and I am sorry for them. I have no excuse except that I just haven't felt inspired or motivated. So then of course your second cause of WHOA is that I'm back, bitches, and you can't believe it.

I know. I know.

So what inspired a return to blogging after 2.5 months of silence? What else -- Harry Potter.


So here it is, my Official Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Review. It will be short, because I have just a few things to say (Also, I should go ahead and say SPOILER ALERT here for anyone who hasn't yet seen the movie, and shame on you if you haven't yet seen the movie.)

I attended the Midnight Premiere. I participated in work-related Harry Potter events all last week. I reread Deathly Hallows in one sitting (to recapture the original reading) and seriously questioned my emotional strength for watching the movie version. I was prepared to bawl my eyes out and leave the theater spent, sad and whole, just like after I finished reading "and all was well."

In short, I was like this:

Thanks, Tahereh Mafi, for this :)
Needless to say, my expectations were high. I wanted to love it as much as I loved the book. And for the most part, the movie delivered. I realized pretty early on (namely, when Harry stepped out from the pack of kids to confront Snape) that they were going to take some creative license, and even though I am a purist, and even though I was not mentally prepared to accept any major changes, I stayed on board. In my seat in the dark theater, I made peace with it by telling myself that it's not supposed to be a scene-by-scene depiction of the book -- it's a major motion picture, a film, BASED on the book -- I get that. I understand the need to eek out every last bit of dramatic impact in every scene, and FOR THE MOST PART, the changes/additions were for the better -- particularly the awesome battle scenes. They came alive on screen one hundred times better than on the pages-- I burst into tears when McGonagall did her Piertotum Locomotor spell, a) because it was awesome and b) because I realized that The End Was Really Happening. I loved seeing Ron & Hermione in the Chamber of Secrets. I loved seeing Voldemort's sucker punch reaction everytime they destroyed a Horcrux. I loved watching Alan Rickman's brilliant portrayal of Snape's story.

What I did not love was the adulterated climax. I must preface this by saying that part of the reason that I am such a die-hard Harry Potter fan -- part of the reason I cannot speak of it without tearing up-- is because I think the ending of Deathly Hallows (the book) was quite possibly the best climax in All of Entertainment. Let's take a look at the book climax--  I mean, there Harry is, alive and not dead in Hagrid's arms, because he was the seventh Horcrux (so all we have left is Nagini!), and Voldemort is braying to everyone gathered outside Hogwarts, and they are so devastated because they think all is lost, and then Hagrid sets him down, "and then several things happen at once"-- the Sorting Hat flies out of the castle and lands at Neville's feet, and Harry covers himself with his cloak, and Neville produces the Sword of Griffindor and chops off Nagini's head and you're like OHHHHH SHIIITTTT! Horcruxes DOWN, bitches! Who cares if Voldemort has the Elder Wand? And then everyone rushes into the castle and still no one knows that Harry's alive and then they're all dueling and Molly Weasley kills Bellatrix LeStrange (good for them for keeping her "Not my daughter you bitch" line) and then Harry whips off his cloak and everyone else is like OHHHHH SHIIITTT! and then they do the circle duel with everyone watching and then Harry reveals to Voldemort & everyone else that Voldemort doesn't have the Elder Wand because it was DRACO MALFOY who beat Dumbledore's wand, NOT SNAPE, and therefore Voldemort doesn't have the Elder Wand, because HARRY HAS IT because Harry disarmed Malfoy several weeks ago. HARRY HAS THE ELDER WAND, and for the third time everyone all together now is like OHHHH SHIITTTT! Because you realize that this whole time Harry has been deciding between Horcruxes vs. Hallows, Hallows vs. Horcruxes, and you realize that not only did he destroy all the Horcruxes, BUT HE ALSO HAS ALL OF THE HALLOWS! And in the middle of all that awesome realization, THAT'S when Voldemort dies!!

RIGHT? Isn't that the coolest shit EVER? Doesn't that give you goosebumps all the way inside your heart? And make you tear up because you can't believe that after seven perfect & brilliant books, she managed to pull off an ending epically fitting of such perfection & brilliance? Because so many people try to pull off endings like this and they always, always fail? (Here's looking at you, Lost.) SO WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CHANGE THAT, STEVE KLOVES? NOT DRAMATIC ENOUGH FOR YOU, DAVID YATES? AND WHY DID YOU GIVE YOUR BLESSING ON THAT, JO?!* ARE YOU MENTAL?**

And THEN after all that, for Harry to nonchalantly explain it all to Ron & Hermione and then SNAP THE WAND IN HALF? WTF, Harry Potter? Now you don't have a wand. Good luck with that, you f*ing wizard moron.

(no heart) kd

*And I really thought I'd be able to get through that without yelling. I really did. I even used a question-mark-exclamation-point, which I never ever use because I very rarely use question marks to begin with and therefore feel like you have to be in a state of true alarm to use the question-mark-exclamation-point. True Alarm -- Kristen Dickson. Nice to meet you, man.

**Also, Bloody Hell. Although I will say, Thanks, guys, for the 360 degree shirtless Rupert Grint shot. I will give thanks for that.

1 comment:

Bexican said...

Here's some equations for you....You=Lame, that movie rocked X 7.2 and you know it. Book=Amazeballs, Movie pt. 7.2 = Best HP movie ever made.

I'm with you one one thing, the breaking of the wand, but that's just personal. For the movie goer, guess what, the movies are over...forever. Wtf would he even need a wand for again? That would have been the greatest tease of all time. Wand break in movies? HP = over. Wand no break in book HP = imagination lives forever. Mad props for books, yo, thanks, JK-RO.

p.s. Guess what punctuation I love?!?!?!??!?!